TA in Pills - 1-6.4 TA Game Theory 4

TA Game Theory 4

(Games are unhealthy interactional mechanisms.)

(People play games unawarely. Games generate unpleasant feelings.)

(Games deny having happy, joyful, rewarding relationships.)

"Words with special meaning are marked * in text and explained in Notes"

How to end Game Engagements

Our game engagements provide evidence about our

• bias about the other, his or her actions, behaviour in our mind.
• dislike for the other.
• view about the way the other behaves, speaks, does things or acts.
• adverse view or opinion.
• absence of acceptance of the other.
• belied expectation and hope.
• unexpressed feelings and emotions.
• unforgotten event of wrong done.
• hurt, pain, insult experienced at the hands of the other.
• not being respected, acknowledged, praised, liked.
• being ignored.
• need to create gossip.
• many other similar.

Sure-shot signals about the likelihood that game engagement would follow :

• Person being angry because of something.
• Conflicting values, beliefs, principles.
• Discussion about a contentious topic.
• Statements that would hurt the views or sentiments of the other.
• Topic about what I said adversely about another in a different setting.
• My non acceptance about the views of another.
• Debating or arguing with emotional over-charge.
• Allegational talk.
• Being questioned about what I meant when I said . . . . . . . . . .
• A gap in acceptance of the other as a person, sex, community, class.
• Lack of admiration, appreciation, esteem evident in other settings.
• Unfounded Opinion, Views or Conclusions.
• Socially unacceptable behaviour or manner of talking, speaking or expressing.
• Conflicts about expectations of the other.
• and many other similar. 

Games happen because:

• We believe at the psychological core that we can make the other feel good, bad, make the other regret by what we say or how we say something.
• That by making the other regret or feel bad, sad, miserable, guilty we are going to get rewarded with happy living.
• We use a bad means to achieve a satisfying objective.
• We do not commit ourself to think, act, behave, express in ways that would result in sane, safe endings and win-wins.
• At our core we harbour insane beliefs - such as: I am not wanted, I am not good enough, no one loves / likes me, I /we am /are treated unfairly and such like others.

How to end games

• Most paying of all - awareness by saying: Ah! This was a game. These feelings are what I choose to experience. I can also choose to be instead. The person is good and lovable. The behaviour may not be acceptable. That is no reason to think or opine adversely about the other.
• Being an empathic and nurturing person.
• Games can be ended at any point along their course. At the con by changing the topic of discussion. At gimmick by back tracking. At switch by not being defensive, justifying or professing one's point of view. At cross-up by implementing roll back and move forward along a new line of thinking. At payoff by rejecting the emotional hurt, pain, insult, embarrassment, put-down, anger, dislike, hate, shame, isolation, put-on the hangar, feeling . . . . . . .  and moving to intimacy. 
• Game starts with a hook on because of what or how the other person said, did or expressed. Any critical statement converts to a game. Accepting the statement gracefully and repeatedly saying sorry, sorry, sorry stops movement to game.
• Knowing, learning and acknowledging that people are lovable as persons no matter however unacceptable their behaviour, manner of speaking or expressing themselves, activities are.
• Not waiting for a show-down to occur.
• Consciously and deliberately forgetting the past.
• Ending the engagement with a hug and saying come-on let us move on.
• Accepting that people are different. We may not and need not be what we expect. As yet getting along with diverse views, opinions, behaviours, actions.
• Admitting Conflict.
• Knowing that the other uses a ploy* to use another to get his own psychological needs met.

Transactional Analysis literature prescribes these:

• Exposing the game.
• Ignoring the game.
• Offering an alternative.
• Playing the game consciously and in awareness.
• Not locking on to a corresponding role - Persecutor, Rescuer, Victim.
• Using Options - Changing Ego States to break the locked un-constructive exchanges.

This blog comes from Ajit Karve from Pune. I am a qualified TA Practitioner. I specialise in using TA for personal growth, personal development, personal effectiveness and for transformational change. I can be reached on +919822024037. Please feel free to seek clarifications by writing to me on ajitpkarve@gmail.com or taforyouandme@gmail.com. 

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Notes:

Ploy: a twisted and inappropriate means or action designed to turn a situation to one's own advantage.

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