Cybernetics, Script and Dealing with Script

Cybernetics and Script

Infants and children have these basic needs: Warmth, touch, nurture, affection, care, attention and acceptance. Growing children are driven by curiosity, inquisitiveness, activity, learning, knowing and display for attention seeking and appreciation. Teenagers seek association, sharing, cross-sex socialisation, role modelling, growing to adulthood and supported freedom. Adults seek respect, regard, recognition, appreciation, attention, acceptance, authority, freedom and independence. 

Dealing with  reality and reality situations (click: Terms, Concepts and Ideas for details) is an ongoing engagement for all of us. All of us face surprise when we are ordered, questioned, evaluated, appraised or / and labelled. This is all the more true for children. They feel 'bad' many times a day by being subjected to this process. It generates conditioning. The growing child inadvertently generates 'safe play areas'. The relationship of infants with the 'nipple' and its provider gets it to experience itself to be either an 'anvil' or 'hammer' (Berne E. What Do You Say After You Say Hello - Chapter Six). Manipulating the other becomes an added responsibility post toilet training years. It remains so for the rest of one's life. One's self image determines the ability to deal with reality and reality situations. Thus the view of oneself, of others (contextually), of and about age and stage relevant tasks and responsibilities become built as one grows. These become added contextual dimensions of self image. They become integrated into the personality structures from stage to stage of our lives. Transactional Analysis classifies these personality structures as: the early system - the Child; the borrowed, copied, taught system - the Parent; and the adulthood and continually updated system - the Adult. Which system - Parent, Adult or Child - has the upper hand determines the nature of evaluation and response to prevailing reality. A healthy structure is one which is a Parent permissive, Child acquiescent and Adult dominant structure. One needs to work to generate such a system. It is a far fetched call for all of us. Script lends comfort by freeing us of surprise and disgust many times a day. It however deprives us of the freedom to take a new view again and again and also the freedom of choice and safe response. 

We are ourselves the authors, actors in the drama, the 'victims' of its ongoing process and recipients of its reward in the form of payoff. We are lucky if we can get glimpses of the play in action. We are empowered if we can rewrite its script and run the play in new ways and enjoy a better, happier payoff. 

But reality is different. For one, 'Script' takes over spontaneously - much like a first say - in response to stimuli. The same stimulus evokes different responses. The same source may trigger a new or different response in consideration of time, place, event, reason, condition, circumstance and relevance. Perception is clouded because script contaminates the reality testing 'Adult' system  of personality. The script in a way actually engineers the personality components to respond to reality in ways that is supportive of achieving the Script Goal.

The situation is bad in extreme cases. So the question arises whether or not there is a way. Yes there is a way. It is this. (1) Nibble a biscuit over 30-40 minutes once a day very much like a child does. (2) Eat one meal a day in awareness over 40 minutes, without engaging in any other activity, not even speaking to anyone else. Notice the items in the plate, their colours, flavours, smells, tastes and consistency. Eat them slowly and deliberately ensuring that the next morsel is not fed into the mouth before the mouth is emptied and salivated. (3) Hug your spouse, son or daughter, or parent at least once a day for 15-20 seconds. (4) Notice, recognize, connect, say a word, make an offer when you meet another person in the house. (5) Deliberately forget events of the past and enter a new day every day with a clean slate. (6) Learn to separate person from behaviour. Respect, regard, have esteem, accept, appreciate, acknowledge the person part and ignore the behaviour. (8) Learn not to expect or anticipate (9) Learn to wait, postpone, delay every response especially if it is an urge, impulse or drive. (10) Respond to feelings as though they are signals. Sadness is responded by accepting and sharing it with another. Anger is responded by expressing it by using NVC  (for more click this link NVC - Non Violent Communication Model )method - (a) report the behaviour as an observation (b) report the feeling (c) report the need (d) make a request and, address fear by having an implementable action plan if what we fear happens for real.

This is a blog by:

Ajit Karve

+919822024037

ajitpkarve@gmail.com

taforyouandme@gmail.com

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